The Strength to Love

How Believing Your Value Changes the Way You Love, Listen, and Lead

People come to me unhappy.

Not because they lack intelligence. Not because they lack effort. Most of the time, they are exhausted. They are carrying sadness, resentment, disappointment, and that constant tension of living with someone who is not doing what they want them to do.

And the story usually sounds like this.

If they would change, I could feel better.

If they would stop doing that, we could be happy.

If they would finally get it together, everything would settle down.

I understand that thinking. I have lived enough life to understand it.

But today I want to give you a different target.

Not their behavior.

Your strength to love.

Because the peace you want in your relationships is not out there somewhere. It is not hiding inside someone else’s choices. The quality of your relationships is going to come from one place.

You.

That statement is not blame. It is power.

And the path into that power is not about becoming perfect. It is about learning how to see yourself accurately, so you can stop living on the defensive and start loving with strength.

Why Relationships Get Hard So Fast

Most of us want connection.

We want to love our spouse, our kids, our family, our friends. We want to support them. We want them to feel that we are there.

We also want to feel loved.

And yes, we are wired for connection. When people feel they belong, when they feel important, when they feel significant and connected, mental health improves. When those needs feel threatened, people become anxious, defensive, controlling, or withdrawn.

That is not weakness. That is the human nervous system doing what it does.

But here is where it gets real.

Love is easy when it is easy.

The hard question is this.

What do you do when the person you love does something you cannot stand?

What do you do with broken trust?

With dishonesty?

With disrespect?

With the things they say that land like a punch in the gut?

And what do you do with what you think it means about you?

Because that is the part most people miss.

Relationship pain is not only about what happened.

It is also about what you made it mean about your worth.

A Relationship Is Made of Thoughts

Here is a statement that changes everything if you let it.

A relationship is the sum total of your thoughts about the other person in it.

That is what a relationship is.

Not the ring. Not the history. Not the good years. Not the promises.

The day to day quality of the relationship is the sum total of the thoughts you keep thinking about that person.

And those thoughts create your emotional experience of them.

If your thoughts are full of suspicion, you will feel tense.

If your thoughts are full of contempt, you will feel cold.

If your thoughts are full of fear, you will feel unsafe.

If your thoughts are full of respect, you will feel open.

This matters because the way you feel determines how you show up.

How you talk. How you listen. How you react. How you lead. How you love.

So if you want a better relationship, you must care about the quality of your thinking.

And the quality of your thinking is directly tied to what you believe about you.

The Real Problem Is Not Their Behavior

When relationships are strained, people become students of other people’s flaws.

They track what was said. What was not said. The tone. The look. The pattern. The history. The motive.

They build a case.

And they call it reality.

But here is what is actually happening.

When your value feels uncertain, your brain is constantly scanning for proof.

Proof that you matter.

Proof you are respected.

Proof you are safe.

Proof you are not being fooled.

Proof you are enough.

When your value is under question, every disagreement becomes a trial.

That is why love is hard when it is hard.

Not because you are a bad person.

Because you are trying to love while your nervous system thinks your worth is on the line.

Value Belief Is the Foundation of Love

This is where we get to the core.

When a human being genuinely believes their value is complete and inherent, love becomes a natural byproduct.

When you believe in your perfect value, your strength to love increases dramatically.

Not because the other person suddenly becomes easier.

Because you stop living in the constant effort of trying to prove worth.

That effort is exhausting. It consumes attention. It creates defensiveness. It turns feedback into threat. It turns disagreements into identity attacks.

When you remove the need to prove worth, you gain capacity.

Capacity to listen.

Capacity to be curious.

Capacity to stay calm.

Capacity to be honest.

Capacity to love with strength.

What Belief in Perfect Value Gives You

This is where people feel the shift.

Belief in perfect value does not make you passive. It does not make you weak. It does not make you tolerate nonsense.

It makes you stable.

It removes the need to defend identity.

And that changes everything.

You Stop Needing to Be Right

When value is stable, you can let go of being right as a survival strategy.

You do not need to win every point. You do not need to dominate the conversation. You do not need the last word to feel safe.

You can say, I see your point.

That is strength.

You Stop Needing to Be Superior

When value is stable, you stop needing to elevate yourself above someone else.

You do not need to be the smartest, the most capable, the most righteous, the most productive, the most correct.

You can be 100 percent without being above.

That is a peaceful way to live.

You Can See Strengths Without Exaggeration

When value is stable, you can see your strengths clearly.

You can appreciate what you are good at without needing applause. You can acknowledge success without using it to cover insecurity.

Quiet confidence grows.

You Can See Weaknesses Without Shame

When value is stable, weaknesses are no longer proof that you are defective.

Weakness becomes information.

You can say, I need to work on that.

Not because you are less. Because you are a human being improving.

Feedback Stops Being a Threat

This part matters for relationships and leadership.

When someone gives feedback, a value threatened person hears one message.

You are not good enough.

Even if the feedback is minor. Even if it is helpful. Even if it comes from someone who loves them.

The mind does not hear the words. It hears danger.

But when you believe your value is stable, feedback becomes data.

It is no longer a threat to identity.

You can look at it clearly.

You can improve without spiraling.

You can accept help without resentment.

This changes marriages. It changes parenting. It changes teams. It changes everything.

Mistakes Become Progress Instead of Shame

When value is unstable, mistakes trigger shame.

And shame makes people hide.

They deny. They justify. They blame. They shut down. They counterattack. They pretend they do not care.

Not because they are evil.

Because shame feels like danger.

But when value is stable, mistakes become progress.

You can say, I did that. I do not want to do that again. Here is how I am going to clean it up. Here is what I will do next time.

That is growth.

And growth creates trust.

Comparison Loses Its Grip

Comparison is poison in relationships.

When you believe your value is uncertain, someone else’s success feels like your defeat.

Their strength makes your weakness feel louder. Their accomplishment makes you feel behind. Their confidence makes you feel exposed.

So you either compete or withdraw.

But when you know you are 100 percent and they are 100 percent, comparison fades.

The only comparison worth holding is this.

Every soul is 100 percent.

That belief brings respect.

And respect is one of the strongest forms of love.

Why Self Love Is Not Selfish

Some people hear the phrase self love and they recoil.

It can sound selfish. It can sound like navel gazing. It can sound like a person obsessed with themselves.

I used to hear it that way too.

But here is the truth.

Working on your relationship with you is one of the most selfless things you can do.

Because everything you give others is flowing out of what you believe about yourself.

If you do not believe you are enough, you will try to take worth from other people.

You will demand it through control.

You will demand it through approval.

You will demand it through winning.

You will demand it through resentment.

That is not love. That is need.

But when you accept yourself and believe your value is stable, you need less.

Not less connection. Less dependence.

You stop relying on others to determine how you feel about you.

That is emotional adulthood.

That is emotional responsibility.

And that is a major part of having the strength to love when it is hard.

Love Requires Emotional Stability

When the chips are down, you need stability.

You need the ability to stand strong without standing above.

You need the ability to be honest without using honesty as a weapon.

You need the ability to listen without spending the whole conversation trying to protect yourself.

This is what belief in value gives you.

Emotional stability.

And emotional stability shows up as:

• openness
• accountability
• respect
• courage
• patience
• curiosity
• clear boundaries without cruelty

That is strength.

That is the strength to love.

Why You Must Practice This Every Day

This is not a one time realization.

If you have listened to me, you already know this part.

Your brain is constantly taking in input and making meaning.

Everything you do. Everything that happens to you. Every interaction. Every win. Every loss.

Your brain makes meaning about what it means about you.

If you are not intentional, your default brain will keep doing what it does.

It will try to protect you.

And the default protection often looks like this.

Maybe I am not enough.

Maybe I should shrink.

Maybe I should defend.

Maybe I should strike first.

Maybe I should not risk it.

That is why belief in value is a daily skill.

Not because you are broken.

Because the brain never stops making meaning.

How to Start Building the Strength to Love

I am going to keep this practical.

You build the strength to love by building stability in value.

Here are simple starting points that align with what you heard in the episode.

Step One: Notice Where You Are Making Their Behavior About Your Worth

Ask yourself:

When they do that, what do I make it mean about me

When they say that, what do I make it mean about my value

When trust breaks, what story do I tell myself about what I deserve

Do not judge the answer. Just see it.

Awareness changes the game.

Step Two: Separate Behavior from Value

Say it plainly.

What they did is behavior.

What I did is behavior.

Value is separate.

This does not excuse anything. It does not remove consequences. It does not eliminate boundaries.

It simply removes the verdict.

Step Three: Practice Stable Value Until It Becomes Normal

Belief is built through repetition.

Hold the thought long enough for your mind to accept it.

Your value does not rise when someone treats you well.

Your value does not drop when someone treats you poorly.

Your value does not change because you made a mistake.

Value is stable.

Practice it daily because life will test it daily.

What Changes When You Have the Strength to Love

When value stabilizes, love becomes stronger.

Not sentimental. Strong.

You can stay kind without being weak.

You can be honest without being cruel.

You can listen without defending.

You can hold boundaries without hatred.

You can forgive without losing wisdom.

You can lead without controlling.

And you can love when it is hard.

That is the point.

Final Thought

You do not need someone else to become perfect for you to become peaceful.

You need stability in you.

And it starts with one decision.

Stop negotiating your value.

My mission is to improve your life! find out more at shanejacob.com and remember, your perfect value is non-negotiable!