And most people do the same thing again afterward.
In this episode, Shane Jacob breaks down what is actually happening in your mind after you do something you regret and shows you how to handle it in a way that leads to real repair instead of more damage.
This is not about excusing behavior.
It is about taking responsibility in a way that actually works.
No matter what you have done, your worth is still 100%.
• What your brain automatically does after you mess upand why it keeps you stuck
• A practical process to repair, adjust, and move forward without carrying it
• Why accepting your humanity makes real change possible
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Stable Living Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today. Hey, today's episode sponsored in part by Cowboy Cuffs. I mean, is this shirt, well, here's a question. Is this shirt amazing or amazing? I mean, the black and white, little kind of formal. I use this when I do some of my speaking. think this shirt is amazing.
Anyways, black cuffs got my custom cuff links on. What else we got? Black pearl snaps, black stitching. I mean, you could call this, I mean, it was nice enough to wear to wedding. However, I've already had too many of those in my lifetime. So I'm going to be a guest at someone else's next time.
Today I have a super, it is a big deal. All the things I talk about a big deal. I hope that you can be able to take the message from today and be able to enhance your life. And I know you will because I've seen what I'm talking about today, be able to have a substantial difference in people's lives beginning with mine.
Okay, so here's the thing. We kind of let our brain decide what everything we kind of let life decide what's happening to us. Instead, I'm going to give you some tools to be able to take more, really control of your life. Instead of being everything handed to you and there's nothing you can do about it. You're going to, I'm to give you some things that will make you feel more in control. Number one, and we'll give you some tools to not be at the mercy of or be at the effect of the things that are happening to you, the things that you're doing in your lifetime. Okay.
Because here's the deal. We, I believe that every human being is something is doing something all day that is not helpful. It's actually hurting us and we can do less and less of that over time. Once you learn the skill of managing your mind, most people have no idea what I'm talking about is even happening. We'll live and die and not even know. And so here it is.
We are constantly, if you've listened to me before, if you've listened to any of these episodes, you know that we are constantly making meaning about ourselves. Okay. About our value from everything that happens to us. Okay. And most of it is all automatic. It's going on in the background and the subconscious. Our brain is just feeding his thoughts based on what happens to us. Okay.
And those thoughts are, determine who we are, what kind of a person we are, our, our value. we, are we that kind of a person or this kind of a person? Who are we? What? What traits do we have? Are we deserving? Are we worthy? Are we less than? Are we whatever we are? All this is happening automatic. Every single thing that happens to us, we assign meaning about ourselves. That includes what people say to us.
Here's an example. If somebody gives me a compliment, I feel pretty good. I'd like to be able to take that compliment on purpose and have it mean something positive about myself. But even if I'm not aware of it, if somebody just says something nice to me and gives me a compliment, and you'll find the same should be true for you, right? If somebody gives you a compliment, you just automatically notice yourself smiling or feeling happier. Okay?
But if somebody says something rude or disrespectful or says something about you that's mean or is angry with you, we're making meaning about that too. We're saying our brain is feeding us thoughts that say that the question is, is what did that mean about us? And our brain answers that to us and gives us a thought. And that thought that it gives us causes a feeling.
Here's the thing. Those repeated thoughts that our brain is feeding to us is how we determine what we believe to be true about ourselves, about what kind of person, kind of person that we are. And all this is just, we're taking all this in from the outside world.
What people do, what circumstances we experience, everything that happens to us, we make that mean something about our own place, our own value, our own deserve-ness, our own worthiness in the world. That meaning becomes, like I said, what we believe to be true about ourselves. All this is going to happen automatically. This is especially to deal with our value as a human being.
If people say a lot of negative things to us, we may think that we're not very valuable. If people do things that are harmful to us, we may think that means because something's wrong with us. So all this is happening subconsciously unless we intervene. Okay.
So when you be care with this is happening, your brain and your subconscious is taking care of this. It doesn't even need permission. It just does it. Okay. It just does it and that's the way it's going to be and that's the kind of person you are and that is what you firmly believe to be true about yourself unless you intervene. Okay, this is not just about what happens to us. Okay, the big part that I want to focus on today is about what we do. Okay, what we do and say because the same thing is true about what is happening to us is true about what we are doing and saying in the world.
We're constantly deciding what did my behavior, what did I, I just did that thing, what does that mean about me? Here's the problem with this. The brain's very efficient. mean, your brain's got all this stuff going on in the background. It is amazing the way that life is. mean, that we can function. I mean, it's very helpful.
We don't have to think about, hey, one little teeny tiny thing happened, let me decide what that means and then I'll store it over here in this file and then I'll, you know, it just automatically happens. The problem with it is, is that it's not always helpful. Okay. These automatic or subconscious thoughts that our brain feeds us about what we, what happens to us and about what we cause to happen, what we do and say.
It's not always helpful to our life. It doesn't get us the things that we want. It doesn't help us get the, in fact, a lot of times it's very destructive to the way that we want to live our lives and it impedes us. It keeps us from living and becoming who we want to be and live in the kind of life that we want to be makes it harder to live the way we want.
have more shame. We have more hesitation. We have more hiding. We have more isolation. We have more self-attack. We have more, we think less and less and less of ourselves.
So I'm to give you a couple of examples just to think about, see if you can see yourself or relate to these in any way for yourself. Okay. I recently had a client of mine call me on a coaching call.
And they were upset. Okay. They were crying. As a matter of fact, they had been crying on and off for a few days, few days, meaning three to four days. Okay. And the, the, the question they were asking themselves was what they were making this mean is, “Something's wrong with me. What's wrong with me?” Okay. So they called me on the phone and like, “Hey Shane, I got a problem here. Something's wrong with me. I've been crying for three or four days.” Okay.
So I said, “Okay, can you give me some more information?” Well, what had happened was, is that a very close and dear friend of theirs had just died three or four days ago and they were crying and they were upset and they felt sad and they were grieving. But the question wasn't, they weren't really focused on the grieving. They were more focused on what's wrong with me. How am I deficient? Something's wrong. I usually don't do this.
Even when other, and then your brain looks for all this evidence. “Hey, last time somebody died, I noticed you weren't this upset. Something's wrong with you. You're overreacting. You're losing your marbles. Something you're deficient. You're starting to break down. You're going to be out of control.” Your brain starts giving you all it looks for information to prove that your thought is right. Something is wrong. Okay.
And so you're just focused in on like, this person, this individual just focused in like, “What is wrong with me? I can't get out of this sadness and this, this sadness and this crying. I just, can't get out of it. Why am I reacting like this? What's wrong with me?” Okay.
The meaning that was created in this. So let's just see what happened. A close friend dies. Okay. They think thoughts that of loss. They're very sad and they're thinking about losing the friend and how the friend died and they're thinking these different thoughts. Those thoughts cause them to be sad. Okay. Sad and grieving. Okay.
And so as a result that they cry and then the result and then they wonder the next thought is, is why something's wrong with me. Okay. The leading thought in this case was something is wrong with me. What is wrong with me? Okay.
So. I mean, you can see it because, it's easy for you and I to see that, maybe nothing's wrong with you. Maybe the problem is, that you're a human being. Okay. And what I mean is, is that, you know, we just look at, take a close look at this person. They're crying and they're just thinking, “Hey, something is wrong with me. I usually don't do this. Even when some other people that I know that were closer to me died. I didn't cry this much. I don't…” And then they're just reeling in something is wrong with me, which feeds in that they can't seem to get out of it. And then they get stuck. Sometimes this can lead to depression.
Now I'm not talking about someone who has been non-functioning, crying and grieving for a long period of time and can't function. Function meaning they're not taking care of their physical needs. They're not taking care of, they're not able to function in the world. They can't go to work. They can't interact with their family and friends and they can't…
I'm talking about functioning, but being sad and crying a lot. Functioning, yes. Being sad a lot, yes. And crying a lot. I would call that normal grieving. Okay. But in their mind, something's wrong because they're crying too much and normally they don't do that. And the thought is, “What's wrong with me?” That the brain tells them something is wrong with you. That's the thought. Okay.
That thought does not help. It doesn't help the grieving. It doesn't help healing. It doesn't help getting well. It doesn't help functioning. Matter of fact, what it leads to is more sadness. And eventually, like I said, depression and more in, in, not trying to not getting well, right? More suffering by the person who's crying.
More suffering, that's what I was looking for. Okay, because the brain automatically says, “Hey, something's wrong with you.”
Now, if that person were to intervene, what else could they think about this thing? Okay, I suggested that maybe you could consider thinking the thought that I had a close friend just die, it's okay that I'm sad. And it's even okay if I'm sad more right now for whatever reason, it's okay to be sad because sometimes human beings get sad when they have losses, when they suffer losses like this and just feel the feeling and let it be with that for a while.
Now, if that goes on and you're going to not be functioning, then that's a different, that's a medical situation you might want to get medical help with. But what I'm saying is, is in this case, allowing the natural brain and not intervening and not knowing what to think or what's going on is not helping the person, it's prolonging the suffering. Okay.
Second example. See if maybe if you, that one didn't really hit home, try this one.
I know this can be tough to imagine, I do stuff wrong all the time. I'm not proud of it. I'm not saying it's a good idea. I'm not making an excuse for it. I'm not justifying it in any way, but I do stuff that I wish I wouldn't have done.
And so for example, yesterday I get upset. I react to something and I'm raising my voice and I'm just complaining and blowing up and venting and this and that. And I look at it in the end and it's a way that I didn't like the result. I didn't like the way that I treated people. I didn't like what was coming out of me. I didn't like any of my behavior.
And so now what am I going to think about that? What am I going to think about that? Because I in the moment, I was having so much emotion go on with me. I was so angry. I couldn't stop and focus and think and manage my mind well in those moments.
Well, it's all over and we survived in it and, and everyone else around me survived, but they may have suffered some damage, you know, hopefully not much, but hopefully not any lasting damage. But the question is, is what am I going to do now? Okay.
What am I going to do now? There's a couple of options I'm going to have because here's what your brain and every human being is brain tells them.
When you do something that you know is wrong, that you judge as your value to be wrong, bad behavior. Okay. I don't have an excuse for it. It wasn't an accident. I can go ahead and list a whole bunch of thoughts that led up to it I can say, “I was triggered by this.” And I can blame a whole bunch of other stuff.
But truly what happened was is that I reacted to something and did something that I wasn't proud of that I'd rather I didn't do. Okay. And it caused to some degree, it probably caused somebody harm or suffering to some degree. Okay.
So what am going to think about that? Our natural brain, yours and mine is going to tell us something wrong with you, Shane. You keep blowing up at people. You did it last, I don't know, a while back also. You do this. You're defective. Something is wrong. You're out of control. You keep damaging people. You keep, you ruin, you keep harming relationships.
Just think of how far my natural brain will take this if I leave it alone. Okay.
In all reality, I raised my voice for a, not even for a few sentences and said some things that I regret. didn't like call anybody names or do anything. I don't think I was super offensive, but in the scheme of things, this was a 32nd event that is not part of my normal life, but it is something that happened that I did. Okay. That I'm responsible for.
So natural normal without my intervention is going to tell me.
I'm going to live in shame in that. Something's wrong with you. So shame says you are wrong, not you did some behavior that you is wrong, that you judge based on your values to be wrong. Okay. It's going to give me shame for that. It's going to say you are defective. You are wrong. These are thoughts that are coming to me. Okay.
You, and so what can I do? Okay. And what do you do? That's my question, because here's the thing, things that you judge to be wrong, bad. Just not right. They go against your values. The things that you believe to be true and correct.
You do things that go against your value system. Sorry to inform that to you if you weren't aware of it, but that is a fact. And the reason that you do that is this. Because you're a human being. That's it. It doesn't mean it's not because what your brain is feeding you the thoughts of. Or mine in this example.
I'm defective, I'm wrong, I can't control my temper, I react and I don't have control. What else? I know. I'm making all this up because it just happens like that. And so that's what it's being fed.
How much is that going to help you next time? The answer is goose egg zero. Not helping. Okay? And that is the key point. This without intervention leads to more suffering. It leads you not coming out and showing up and reaching your potential and progressing and evolving and becoming the kind of human being that you want to be. It damages your relationships and it doesn't give you the ability to press forward and make progress.
So here is, and let me just say this. A lot of times we like to look and talk at each other and say, well, you know, hey, everybody makes mistakes. Well, if you can buy into that, that's fine. But I don't, because here's the thing.
Of course people make mistakes. There was a mistake. It wasn't intentional, right? Me raising my voice and shouting, “I'm mad at, I can't believe this happened and blah, blah.” I'm just mad at the world for a minute here. That's not a mistake. That's not a mistake.
Now I reacted and so there wasn't a whole bunch of intentional thought that went into it, but calling that a mistake, I'm not going for it. And a lot of the things that we do, we're like, “Hey, everybody makes mistakes.” Horse shit. Of course everybody makes mistakes.
You know what I'm talking to you about today? I'm talking to you and me and the world and whoever will listen about the things that we do wrong on purpose. And here's the thing. If you're a human being, you do and have done and will do things on purpose that are against your value system that you judge to be wrong, that you judge to be bad behavior. And what are you going to do with that is my question.
This is about acceptance, is about forgiveness, this is about self-love, this is about unconditional love. Because what's going to happen if you don't know the answer to that question on purpose, is you are going to be fed by your brain a thought or multiple thoughts that say that you're defective in some way because you did this thing that's against your values.
You did it. You did it. And what does that mean about you? It means something wrong with you. And where does that lead to repeated thoughts of something's wrong with me leads to the way that I believe to be about myself. And when I believe that I'm not as good as I could be, neither's my life. And guess what? Neither is the life of the people around me.
Let's look at the opposite because today, you know what I'm doing about that thing I did yesterday? Here's what I'm doing. I'm taking a hard look and I'm saying, let me make one thing clear. Nothing about that's okay with me.
This, me shouting yesterday is against what I believe to be right and good and the way that I want to be. And if I, everybody that I think I could have possibly damaged, I'm going to go back and apologize and try to make well, make amends, make restitution. I'm going to do everything I can to make it well.
You know why I'm able to do that? In part and mainly because I'm not over here saying I'm that kind of person who does those sorts of things and I got triggered and it wasn't my fault, it was somebody else's fault.
What I'm saying is, here's what I'm saying to myself, here's my thoughts, okay? And I would ask you to consider just seeing if you might wanna think something like the thoughts that I'm using and here they are.
I'm a human being and human beings do things occasionally against their value system. They do things that they judge that I do sometimes do things that are wrong.
I don't like it. It's not okay. It's not justification. Is it? I'm okay. The behavior is not.
And when I know that I'm okay, no matter what I do, again, I'm going to say this one more time. That is not making, absolving anything, any responsibility or making anything better or right about the behavior. Okay.
But when I know that I'm okay and it's okay, I'm going to be okay. Nothing has damaged my value. I'm not that kind of a person. I'm not, I suck as a human being. I'm a mean person or I'm an angry person or any of that. Okay.
What I am is a human being and sometimes I don't get everything 100% right. Sometimes I do things that are flat ass wrong. What do you think about that, Shane? I'll tell you what I think. I think I'm a human being and I think that that doesn't affect my value.
And you know what that gives me? This is the key. It gives me the ability to take a clean, close look at myself and say, that's part of what I did. And now how can I change and what it does? How can I do less of that in the future? And it actually causes me to do less of it in the future.
I mean, if you knew me a long back, many, many years ago, particularly when I well, it wasn't just the drinking. Okay. That was part of it for sure. But that's not the totality of it by any means.
But what I'm saying is, is when you acknowledge instead of try to hide and make negative meaning when you face it head on and say, hey, I did this thing and it was wrong and that's okay. It's okay. It doesn't damage my value. What I did wasn't okay because I, I, I judge that to be wrong. That's against my values. I don't want to do that anymore, but I'm okay because of it.
When I make that, when I separate the value and the behavior and I look at the thing and have it be okay with me, it gives me the ability to go and fix it and to make it better and to do less of it in the future. That is the key.
Mistakes, I mean, I just think it's what my wife would call super weak sauce to say, “Oh, I made a mistake.” Because in my example, it was a mistake. It's not a mistake that I raised my voice. That's just something I don't want to do that I did. And that's what I'm talking about.
Yes, human beings make mistakes. I think we all know that and that's unintentional. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about sometimes we do stuff that we regret, okay, that we wish we didn't do. We do it on purpose. It's against our values.
This is how to get clear. This is how to have ownership and this is how to make real change. The key to this is this is how to do less of it. This is how to have better relationships beginning here. And then with everybody else that you're influencing and impacting your life. Okay.
Because your behavior turns into what you believe to be about your identity. Okay. No more shame, no more hiding, less avoidance. If you separate them, what you get is clarity, ownership, and the ability to make the correction.
Now, when we were kids, we were taught, “Hey, that's bad. Don't do that. Be good.” Okay. And we learned bad behavior, bad person. Okay. And that's just the way it rolls. And that's the way a lot of us think about the way it is unless that's what we default to. Okay.
But we can choose differently. The new bottle is bad behavior, bad result, good person, bad behavior, bad result, good person. Okay. Then when I can think that way, I can correct the behavior, better behavior, better result, still a good person.
Okay, it gives me the ability to do that. The core is, is hey, I don't know if you know this, you're not a bad person in any way. You've just done some things that aren't so good. Okay? And you know what that makes you? It doesn't make you defective. It makes you a human being.
Some of us believe they only made one perfect one and you and I are not him.
Michelle Maidenberg said that to me one day. We had her in two of these podcast episodes. She wrote a book I highly recommend called, Your Life, A C E. And she said, “Hey, Shane,” we were talking about a thing I did another time when I said something that I wanted to take back and I couldn't.
You have to check out those podcast numbers. don't have them with me. Michelle Maidenberg, check out the podcast there. It's an early one. I don't remember the numbers. She said, “Shane. We're not bad people.” And for some reason in that moment, when I heard that, I was like, oh, we're all really okay. And it doesn't even no matter what we do, we're still a hundred percent as far as our value goes.
Okay. Remember the, the phrase, this is a, just try to burn this into your memory. And that is judge the behavior, protect the person, judge the behavior, protect the person and that begins with yourself. Okay. That's a model for the world, but that begins with yourself.
The first thing to do is to recognize in yourself to have the awareness that, “Hey, I'm feeling bad about something I've done.” Then the question is, is what am I making this mean about me? Okay. Then separate what I did with who I am. Okay. what I did makes me something, makes me a certain, would separate that and choose to believe that make what we did mean what we want on purpose, okay?
For example, me yesterday, you know what that means about me? Again, I'll tell you what it means to me is that I am a human being and I'm going to error. I'm going to make, I'm going to do something wrong from time to time. And that's okay. It's okay. Not my behavior is not okay. It's okay because nothing changes my value.
And when I look at that, I have the openness to take a closer look at myself and go back and say, what can I do to have this thing that I did against my values because I want to operate consistent with my values all the time. But that's not going to happen. It's not going to happen if you're a human being. That's what I'm here to tell you.
And when you don't, you get to pick what it means. That's what it means to me. When I see it that way, I have the openness, I have the clarity, and I'm able to take a clear, open view because I'm not hiding in shame and disgust and negative self-worth and I can go and make the repair and I can love more and I can feel more love and it works out and if you don't it doesn't.
When you think something's wrong with you, well you know eventually something is wrong with you because that's the way it rolls. We take responsibility, repair what you can, correct the behavior and then next time we're going to do less and less of it. Next time, we'll have more tools to work with. Shame hides. When you're clear, you can repair.
If you don't intervene here, your brain's going to keep assigning or making meaning about the things that you're doing. And a lot of it's going to work against you. It's not going to help you get the things that you want in your life.
If you do intervene and you make a decision and have that decision mean, I, again, I would, I like to look at this as if it was somebody that you love the most. Your spouse, your children, children. It's really easy. If you're a parent. That's an easy one to look at.
If you do have children look at it this way. What if those kids of yours did something that you knew was wrong? What are you going to make that mean about them? Hopefully you're going to make that mean that it's okay. You still love them 100% and it's fine. What can we do to try to make this better next time?
And if you take that same view to yourself, that is how to make progress. Okay, if you look at yourself the same way you would want to have look at your kids.
This is the work I do. This is part of the work I do. This is what I stand for. That's what I'm sure. And that is helping people change what they believe to be true about themselves. Because as you do and as you move towards unconditional love, your life becomes a better place to be. And that is the truth.
I also help leaders and individuals do stuff that separate work and behavior at work so that people feel less defensive, so that they can improve faster and live better and be more productive at work because they're not, we're not all tied up in what it means about ourselves, about the part that we're doing. Okay.
If you want any help with that, you can find out more. can talk to me and check us out at shanejacob.com. You can book a call, talk about working together. Remember, hey, we are good people. We are good people.
There's nothing wrong with your worth. It is 100% and nothing you can do is going to ever change that. You can think that something's wrong with you, but you're 100%. You just need to come to know it more and more over time.
Okay. That'll help you fix behavior that you don't want. It's against your value and it'll protect the person. So, and it all begins right here with us. So that's how we change the world. Remember my friends, your value is non-negotiable.
See you soon.
If you’ve ever struggled with self-worth, negative thinking, or feeling like something is wrong with you, this episode gives you a practical way to manage your mind and change that pattern. Learning how to separate behavior from identity is one of the most powerful tools in personal development, emotional intelligence, and mental health growth. Instead of letting automatic thoughts define your value, you can take control, reduce shame, and build real confidence. Whether you’re dealing with grief, regret, or everyday stress, this approach helps you respond with clarity, take ownership without self-attack, and create lasting change. Because at the end of the day, your self-worth is not determined by your actions, your value is non-negotiable.
You deserve it. And you can!
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