Confidence comes after experience. But what happens when you want to try something you have never done before? In this episode, Shane Jacob explains how self-confidence works and how one powerful thought can help you take action when the outcome is uncertain.
If you are ready to stop waiting until you feel ready and start living your life with more courage, this episode is for you.
 What awaits you:
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Stable Living Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today. I got a pretty, we got a cool subject today.
By the way, hey, hey, hey, this episode. Yes, that's right. Brought to you, brought to us, by Cowboy Cuffs. Elevate your life, elevate your style, elevate each other. I've got this brand new model, black, kind of a blue and black or blue and dark blue dots. Got the first shirt with our little logo over the snap seam. Now this is important, if you're me, to have a pen hole in your pocket. You're listening and not watching, I'm demonstrating how a pen fits into the pocket in the little hole over the left pocket over the logo, the cowboy cuffs logo we got here.
Anyway, super excited, love this shirt, nice fit, just a little bit of stretch to it. Feels good, I think it looks good too. Cowboy Cuffs coming soon, you wanna keep your eye open for Cowboy Cuffs.
So here's the deal today, the subject, I want to talk about confidence, developing the skill of developing self-confidence. Now, there's a couple of goals that I have. Number one is to make it simple, to clear up any questions about what confidence is. And the second is, is to, if it's something that you want to have or to learn the skill of generating self-confidence, exactly how you go about getting that done.
Because self-confidence, excuse me, confidence has a, it confuses people because it has two different meanings. And so it's like nobody really separates that for you. And so it can be a kind of a confusing, a very confusing subject because there's, it's two things. So, many, lot of people say they want confidence but they're misunderstanding what it actually is.
So once you separate the two types, it becomes easier to develop. So we're going to work on that. The next thing is, like I said, to understand and then to actually, my goal is for you to walk away today or to end this podcast with some specific takeaways that you can do to generate self-confidence for yourself.
Because self-confidence is the emotion. And confidence is a feeling, and self-confidence is a feeling to walk away with the skill of generating that emotion in order because self-confidence is the emotion of progress, the emotion of advancement, of how to get your goal, of how to evolve, of how to reach your potential. It's all that. It's one of, it's an extremely important skill. It's faith and trust and believe in yourself. So let's get down to the details. Here we go.
I want to show you the difference between confidence and self-confidence. I want to show you why people get stuck and like I said what you can actually do to build the kind of confidence that's going to change your life. Okay.
Building confidence is a skill. It's not something that you have or don't have or that you got when you were born or you got it when you were a kid or you didn't or this or that. It's simply a skill that you can learn and you can apply or not. Okay? It's not just something that you get or don't get. It's a choice. It's a choice. Well, once you learn it, it's a skill, okay, that you can practice and that you can get experience in and get better and better at developing your own self-confidence. Okay.
So there's, let's talk about the kinds of confidence versus self-confidence. Okay. We've already talked a little bit about that. I'll reference in the show notes back to another episode. But let me just say that confidence in a skill is one thing. That means it's confidence in a thing, okay. Confidence in a skill or an ability. And that is based on the past because it's something that I've done a lot.
Here's an example. I've been a farrier for a lot of decades. That farrier means that I do hoof care. I trim and shoe and take care of horsesâ hooves. Okay. I'm a farrier. So I've done that for over, over 30 years. Okay. A long time.
So I have confidence in picking up a horse's foot, being able to trim it and be able to nail a shoe on and be able to handle the horse. I have confidence in being able to do that because I've done it so many times for so like literally thousands and thousands and thousands of times, I've trimmed hooves. I've trimmed thousands of horsesâ feet. So I have no anxiety. I don't have a bunch of fear wrapped up in it. I just know how to do it.
When I, so when I go and do a new horse, if I go to do a job and I go out to shoe a horse, I don't have a bunch of anxiety and fear wrapped up in it because I've done it so many times. I have a feeling that, hey, I've done this so many times, I'm going to be fine. Right?
Now, like I said before, confidence is a feeling. The feeling, the confidence that I have in this shoe, in this horse comes from evidence, evidence from the past. Okay. And evidence comes from repetition. I've done it and done it and done it, like I said.
Now, you have confidence in a lot of things in your life also already. Just simple things. You have confidence in you're probably pretty confident about driving a car. If you drive much, you're confident that you can get cooking in your skills at work. I'm confident in riding horses and certain things about riding horses and training horses.
Anything that you practiced repeatedly, you're good at. You're confident in walking. You're confident in creating a sentence. And your confidence came from doing things again and again and again and again. And when you look to the past, you say, I know how to do this. That feels good. You have no problem doing it again. Okay.
So when it comes to, let's say driving your car, if somebody says, âHey, will you run to the store and get me this thing in your car?â You're feeling that you have about driving your car is usually something like, âHey, I got this. No problem. I can drive this door. I've driven all over the place for a long time in all kinds of different circumstances. I have full confidence in my ability to drive the car. It's a feeling about how you feel about going to the car.â Okay. And it's based on the past. It's based on the repetition that you've done. This is why you think these thoughts that give you the feeling.
This kind of confidence feels good and it's helpful to continue to do things. But here's the thing, if you only rely on confidence, you'll never do anything new because you're just gonna feel good about the things that you've always done and you're gonna be flatlined stuck no matter where you're at, okay?
The self-confidence is a different story, okay? Because that's where people get stuck is with this confidence and not in developing self-confidence, okay? So self-confidence is different. This is confidence about things that you've never done. Now, what are you gonna do now? Here's an example.
Pick anything in your life that you haven't done before that makes you nervous to think about that you don't really want to do because it doesn't feel good and think about that. You don't have the past to look back to. You haven't done it a bunch of times. So how does that feel?
Okay. Usually the thoughts around it don't give you a feeling of confidence and trust and I got this, right? Because this is based in the future. We have nothing to look back. We have no past evidence. So this is the problem. When we face new things, because we don't have the past to look to, we feel fear and we feel self-doubt.
We don't, our brain likes that certainty. Like we know how to do this. We've done it. It doesn't like uncertainty. It doesn't like maybe, maybe not. You know, it likes predictability. And so that doesn't feel good.
A lot of times we worry, we worry that we might be embarrassed. We worry what other people will think. We worry that we might fail. We worry that, what it will feel like if we do fail, right? Because, and so we have this fear wrapped up in doing the new thing.
So self-confidence, like I said, is a skill. How do you feel good about doing the new thing if you have no evidence to go through it. And self-confidence is the ability to generate your own feeling of self-confidence before you have the experience to back it up. Okay?
This is the skill of growth. This is the skill of how you're going to get ahead, move forward, and you've done it before. But here's the thing. You're also not doing it right now, to some extent somewhere, right?
Because the more that you don't learn self-confidence and the more that you stay where it's comfortable and the more that you let the fear and the self-doubt and all the worry about the different things, the more you avoid risk, you avoid learning, you avoid all the opportunity. Okay?
So here's an example. Here's a couple of examples about me. Here's a cool one.
This weekend, I'm going to be in a speech competition for the National Speakers Association. And I, it's going to be a big room, a pretty big audience, relative to what I think is big. It's going to be a lot of experienced speakers that have much more experience in public speaking than I.
And I'm a little bit nervous, but I have some amount of self-confidence in this thing. Okay. Even though I don't have a lot of past to look to, not nearly as much as most of the speakers, okay, in the National Speakers Association.
But here's what I do have. I know that no matter what happens over there, okay, I trip and fall and drop the microphone and forget my whole speech and don't flub it up and my voice shakes and I do terrible and all of that and everybody says it was horrible, I know that I'm going to be okay.
Okay, because the worst thing that's going to happen is like I'm going to be embarrassed and that's going to be how I feel. The worst thing that's going to happen if I totally bomb, which I'm not going to, but if I did totally totally bomb, I would be fine with it because the worst thing that I'm going to experience is a feeling and I know that I can handle a feeling.
My thought is the worst thing that can happen to me is a feeling and I am not afraid of handling that emotion. Therefore, I'm willing to go ahead and do the thing and learn and get the experience and develop the capability.
So before long, if I continue to exercise my courage, I'm going to have a past through this repetition to look to and I'm going to, then I'm going to have confidence. I won't need to rely on my self-confidence.
Okay. So the key thought that I'm thinking is what is my worst-case scenario? This is important for you to realize. What is the worst-case scenario? Embarrassment. Embarrassment's a feeling and I can handle the feeling.
The core principle is that it's important to know that self-confidence is not believing that you're going to succeed. Self-confidence is believing that even if I fail, that I'll be okay. And that thought changes everything.
It's not a belief in that you're not going to fall down. It's not a belief that you're going to win if you set out to do it. It's a belief that if you fail, you're still going to be fine. That is self-confidence. That is going to make me walk out into that stage and build out the best presentation that I can give. I'm just going to do the best I can. And I know that if it's total flop, I'll be fine. Okay.
Now you already know if you've listened to podcasts very long that you know that feelings come from thoughts. Confidence and self-confidence is a feeling. So where's the, what's the thought behind it that I'm getting to generate this self-confidence?
Okay. Fear comes from thinking something bad is going to happen. Okay. When you change the thought behind the feeling, your feeling changes, okay, behind the fear.
So let's just say that I was thinking, I could never do that. I mean, I just, it would just be terrible. And then I thought about what am I thinking? What would be terrible? Really it would feel bad.
In order to change what I'm thinking about it, have to feeling about it, I need to change the thought.
So here's a practical thought. Because here's what's happened. I would ask you to just to think to yourself, what things are you avoiding because they seem a little bit uncomfortable or they just seem like no way. There's no way.
Something that you want to do that you're not doing. Something that's holding you back. Something you're making excuses for. Something that you could do if you were willing to feel uncomfortable even if that happened. The thought that I, when I'm feeling fear, okay, the thought that helps me is this. The worst thing that can happen is a feeling and I can handle any feeling. Okay. I can handle feeling bad for a minute.
And that, again, the thought that I go to when I realize, I catch, when I have the awareness that I'm feeling self doubt, that I'm worried about what's going to happen, that the fears hold me back and that I want to do the thing but I'm not doing the thing.
The thought that I go to intentionally is the worst thing that can happen, Shane, is a feeling and I can handle any feeling. Once I know that, man. That gives me some inner power. That gives me the courage that I need to step out there and do it.
Now, I don't know if I'm going to fail. I don't know how I'm going to do in the contest. I might come in dead last. Okay. But what I do know is that I'm going to go give it my best shot. And that is how I develop the skill that I'm working on doing. Fear shrinks us down. Courage grows and makes us step up and feel better.
And once when we feel courageous, okay, that feeling drives our action, okay? The action becomes easier when we change the feeling. If you're feeling fear and shrinking down and feeling self-doubt, you don't feel like doing nothing, okay? You're gonna just kind of hide and watch.
And the problem is, is we don't really like to say it, but we end up hiding and watching a good part of our life. And then it's gone. Okay. And it's not coming back.
One of the things that I, here's another real-life application that I had. I have, I have not historically been good at meeting new people and, you know, making new friends and going up to people I don't know and introducing myself and making connections, networking and being in groups of people.
Historically, it makes me cringe and I just want to freeze and do nothing. Why? Okay. And I think about that. Why? What's going on? What's the thought behind this? Okay. Why am I having all this difficult? Why does it seem so uncomfortable?
Because it seems uncomfortable and it is and so I avoid it. Okay. And then guess what I'm avoiding? I'm avoiding my life because I want to make connections. I want to network and I want to meet new people, but I'm not doing it.
Sometimes, so this is why I'm working on that, okay? Sometimes I'll just like, I won't take the full awareness and I'm just like, I don't want to do that. So I'll check my phone. I'll stay in my comfort zone. I'll skip the opportunity and then it'll be gone. I missed it. Like I said, and it's not coming back.
So what's the worst case here? The worst case is, is I go up and introduce myself and I feel awkward. I mean, I can handle awkward, okay?
So once I have the awareness that I'm feeling discomfort and I'm not doing the thing that I want to do, this is the key moment because the first step is the awareness.
So if you just think about your life, where in it do you feel just a little bit of discomfort? It's not, you might not even be fully aware of it, but like, you know, I'd kind of like to do that, but I'm not going to do it, okay?
When you recognize that this is the time, what am I thinking about? What am I worried about? What is my fear?
When you have the awareness of that, then you can say, âHey, is this the way I want to think about this? Do I want to have that fear that I'm going to feel awkward if it even happens?â
And you know what usually happens? I mean, if I do feel awkward, and that has happened too, but most of the time it doesn't. Most of the time people are welcome and kind and nice and I make the connection and it works. I'm happy I did it.
But even if it doesn't, and sometimes it doesn't, I'm okay anyway.
I just have to have the awareness, change the thought from this is bad, this doesn't feel good, I don't know what's gonna happen, what if this, what if that, to my intentional thought.
And I'm like, âOkay, wait a minute, Shane, I got this. The worst thing that's gonna happen is a feeling, and I can handle any feeling I got.â And I act anyway, okay?
So this is the cycle to progress or the growth cycle. It starts with your intentional thought, which changes how you feel. The feeling is self-confidence.
Self-confidence feels like faith in myself. It feels like trust. It feels like courage. It feels like I like to describe it like, âI got this.â That's how it feels, okay?
When I feel that way, guess what I do? I do what I want to do that I was afraid of. I do the action. âI got this, man. I'm feeling courageous.â I go out and live my life.
And then I get the experience and experience. Then I build up my capability and I have all this repetition and then I can look to my past and then it, I don't have to intentionally generate self-confidence because I've eventually, I've done it so many times that I just have confidence in it. Okay?
Self-confidence is more, way more important than just confidence or normal confidence because without self-confidence we don't have the willingness to keep moving forward to keep progressing. We can only, we're just going to kind of be average you know and if you think about it, we've all done both.
You have, like when you're a young baby a little teeny toddler you kept falling down but you kept getting up, right? Nobody said, âHey, you better work on your self-confidence here.â We just kind of did it because we didn't have the fear locked in.
But now at this stage as an adult or coming adult, you're like, what were the people think? And we start to have this fear of how it's going to be and how we're going to feel. We're just trying to avoid the feeling because, who wants to feel uncomfortable?
But the thing of it is, is if you're willing to feel it and you have the thought that I'm willing to feel uncomfortable to go through this, that's how you make it happen. It's how you make your life happen. Okay, that's self-confidence.
First step again is to notice, first of all, be aware of what you actually want that you're not doing. Okay, maybe you want to meet new people, maybe in a group of people you're not speaking up, you're not being assertive. Assertive is not being aggressive, but you're not stating your own point. You don't have enough confidence and faith in your own point to state it in a group of people.
Maybe you're not going apply for that specific job because you don't think you're good enough. Maybe you're not going to start your own business. Maybe you're not going to learn the new hobby, the new sport, the new skill, the new go to college, maybe whatever any of it is.
And when you feel the discomfort, that's what you're looking for. The awareness of the discomfort and you not doing it. That's the key. Boom. Recognize that. That's step one.
Step two is to ask yourself, âWhat am I thinking that's causing the fear, and self-doubt, the worry, concern. What am I worried about here? What is the fear around?â Okay?
And when you realize that you're worrying about, the third step is simple, is to think the thought or something similar. I like this one, I suggest this. The worst thing that can happen is an emotion or a feeling and I can handle feeling anything. I can handle the feeling. And that's not gonna hurt me and kill me, I'm gonna get through it. Okay?
And then the fourth step, the last step is just to act. Just to act. To do the action, okay? Which becomes a lot easier when you feel like you got this, okay?
So you can generate that feeling by the thought that you're intentionally thinking. When you feel the self-confidence, you have the trust, the faith, and the courage. Boom. Then you can act with ease, okay? Makes it much, easier.
So here's another thing, by the way, self-confidence is not a popular. It sounds good and people think it's a real positive thing and it is, but the truth is it's not really popular to go around with a bunch of self-confidence because so many people don't. You know, itâs like you're like the odd man out.
It's much easier to complain about what you don't want to do, you can't do, you'll never be able to do this. It's easier to make up excuses. It's easier, it's much more comfortable to stay in your comfort zone and not do things that cause you to feel this discomfort, even if it's for a minute until you change the thought and get a new feeling.
A lot of times you come into a group of people, a work setting or a family setting or friends or whatever it is. And a lot of times you're, you're, you've gent, you've got your own self-confidence going on, okay? And people pick up on that and they feel bad. Like you're, they think that you're acting better than them.
Okay. Most of the time where this comes from is their problems about what they believe to be true about themselves. So they can think whatever they want.
I would encourage you to disregard other people's nonsense and focus on your own ability to generate self-confidence every time that you want to do something in your life that you haven't done to learn a new skill to move forward into progress.
âCause people will help try to take it away from you and try to kind of talk you out of it, all kinds of stuff. So it's really important to know that, hey, everybody doesn't walk around with a bunch of self-confidence. Now, I don't know why, because I think we all should. And I'm going to ask you right now to come with me on this. Let's be the odd people out, me and you. Come with me on this. Let's just, we got this.
Let's, I mean, what's the alternative? I mean, why the hell wouldn't you? What's the other thing going to be? Well, we're just going to stay home and not do it or stay in our, you know, comfort zone and keep doing the same things and rely on the confidence that we have, the things that we already know how to do and do nothing new.
I think not. Okay. You're better than that.
Real self-confidence is certainly not superiority. It has nothing to do with that. But a lot of times when you come into groups of people and you are feeling courageous and confident and you got this, okay, people look at that and they, they fear that.
Just because they're like, you, that, I don't feel that until they feel bad. Okay, that's their own stuff. Focus on you. Can't control what everybody else is thinking and don't go down their road unless you do it on purpose, like your reasons if you do.
Confidence is really just the willingness to feel discomfort. Self-confidence, I say. Fear is a temporary sensation, is just a vibration in your body. It doesn't feel good. It's temporary.
And progress, learning the skill, moving ahead, making more money, having a better relationship. All of that progress is going to require a little bit of discomfort.
Okay. So here's the challenge. Here's the question. Where in your life are you sitting on the sidelines?
What are you avoiding because of how you might feel about doing it? Okay. And what would you change if you decided that you could handle that feeling? What would you do? What action would you take?
Okay. Self-confidence is the skill of courage. It's, the worst-case scenario is a feeling, is that you're going to feel uncomfortable for a temporary short period of time usually. And you can handle any feeling, okay?
Okay, but when you realize that, when you realize that and that clicks and makes sense inside your brain, you stop waiting for confidence in the past, which isn't going to come until you start having self-confidence and you start creating confidence by exercising your courage and creating a capability, then you have your past that you can look for and then it becomes just super easy.
Thank you for being with me, my friends. I appreciate you and your time and all the comments and participating with me in this podcast.
Remember your value is 100% regardless of what you've done, what you haven't done, and what has been done to you. Your value is non-negotiable.
Stay with me.
Developing self-confidence is one of the most valuable skills you can learn. It allows you to overcome fear, take action in new situations, and achieve personal growth. Unlike confidence, which comes from past experience, self-confidence is a skill you can intentionally practice through awareness, mindset shifts, and courageous action. By building self-confidence, you unlock the ability to handle challenges, progress in life, and reach your full potential.
You deserve it. And you can!
Sign up for weekly tools to communicate better, connect deeper, and create more trust and love in every relationship.
Your guide to understanding yourself and the people you love on a whole new level.
Sign up here:â
