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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Stable Living Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, and I thank you for taking the time to be here with me today. Big things happening, you know, here we go. So, writing a book, pretty excited about my new book that'll be coming out soon, very soon, hopefully within the next couple of months, depending on, who knows when. You'll be when, hearing this right now, probably by the time you're hearing this the book’s out.
Title of the book, The One Horse Race. The One Horse Race is an analogy, meaning that there's one thing, according to me and according to a lot of research, that says that if you focus on the one thing, everything else is easier. Everything else makes more sense. Everything else, you eliminate the internal battle, you eliminate the resistance, the conflict within, you have better relationships, you just have better results really in everything.
Because if you listen to me at all, you know what I'm talking about, and that is developing our own intentional value beliefs.
Choosing and developing what we believe to be true about ourselves so that ourselves and the rest of the world, all the people that we love and everybody else in the world, can benefit from our improved self. Because believing that, trust me, will improve your quality of life, and it'll improve the quality of life for everybody you know.
So, The One Horse Race, the part two of the book, is I go over five skills to create an unbreakable foundation. And these are not, so here's the thing, okay. These skills are in order to reinforce a belief that you want to have about you. Now, this isn't to prove your value.
So in other words, you don't have to do certain things to be valuable. That's not it. You don't have to prove your value. But what you have to do, what you need to do to help the process along to develop your belief that you've chosen for you, is to give your brain consistent evidence that supports your belief. Okay.
If you do that, if you do little actions that show your brain, you're constantly proving your belief to be true, it just sets in sooner and quicker and more solid.
Probably the most, if not the most, one of the top things that we can do, the most one of the most important things that we do, is our internal language, okay? And I've talked about this before. Matter of fact, I have a podcast, and I highly recommend this. This is related content. Check it out.
This is also a great one in podcast 72. The title is One Up Harmful Words, Speak Like You Matter. Okay. It's podcast 72, so you're going to want to check that one out as well.
But this is not a new concept, okay? In 1938, I believe it was, Think and Grow Rich came out, and there's a chapter, it might be five, can't remember. Anyway, there's a chapter, I think it's chapter five, that talks about auto-suggestion, okay, which basically just means our own self-talk.
And the more that we think a thought, whether we say it out loud or we just think it, remember, let's define a thought. A thought is the sentence or a phrase that goes through our mind. Okay. So the more that we think a thought about ourselves, helps reinforce, it helps us solidify the belief.
Okay, here's my own quote about that.
What I said was, I'm reading from the book, “Repeated thoughts and words about ourselves become what we believe about who we are. Those beliefs determine our actions, and our actions produce the results of our lives.”
Okay? Repeated thoughts and words about ourselves become what we believe about who we are. And then those beliefs determine our actions, our actions produce the results of our life.
I mean, that's just kind of it right there.
So our thoughts and our words that come out of our mouth are critically important, okay? I know it's so easy, and I swear, I don't know anybody that doesn't, maybe, but I'm getting, I'm saying less and less things. I'm recognizing, I'm becoming more and more aware, and I'm saying less and less things that I wish that I wanna go back and change, and thinking less and less things over time.
That's my goal for you, because here's the thing: words mean things.
Okay, these thoughts going through our minds mean things. You might think, “Yeah, well, I said it, but I don't really mean it.” Well, just because I think a thought doesn't mean anything. It's just a fleeting thought.
Well, that is true if it only ever happened once. But what you're going to notice, as you increase your awareness, you become more aware, okay, which is also a skill, an important one, is that you're going to notice that these things that you think, you're going to think again and again and again.
And here's why, okay. Your brain wants to go for the easy. I mean, if it thought a thought and it sort of made sense, it's just going to keep thinking it because your brain is set. We're all made, okay, remember, seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy.
Conserve energy is part of this. That means that it's easy just to keep thinking the same thoughts over and over and over, and we're stuck, and our life never changes, and we're sick of it, and we're not making progress the way that we want, and we're living this mediocre life, and it's never going to get better, and my, enough!
They mean things, okay?
So once is enough. I mean, we're all going to say and think some things that we don't want to. The key is to recognize it, change it, and develop new habits. It's not enough just to think less things that we don't want to. We have to insert new things.
And our brain doesn't really make that real simple, because our brain would prefer just to add ease and conserving energy. And it's so easy to stay the same, don't do anything different, to keep thinking the same things, okay, that are not helping us. They're blocking us from getting where we want to go.
Whatever you repeatedly say teaches your brain what is true about your safety. What does that mean? It teaches your brain what is true about your value. It teaches your brain what is true about your ability and what is possible for you.
Those things that you repeatedly think and say, those thoughts cause your feelings, which determine your actions. And over time, those actions create the results of your lifetime, and then it's over, and you die. This is important.
People believe what they repeatedly do, not what you momentarily accept in a moment. It's what you repeatedly do, okay? Even if it's a thought.
The big key here is to think and speak kindly and respectfully about yourself, okay?
Now, if you've ever been around a horse, you've been to the barn, you've ridden at all, you've owned a horse, your friend has a horse or whatever, I'm here to tell you, and it's not just horses. I'm just talking about horses because that's my thing, but animals and people, animals really key in on this.
And I'm going to just talk about horses. Horses already know what you think about you. Just letting you know, they know what you think about you.
If you want to keep it secret, don't go to the barn.
They already know what you think about you because they are so hyper-aware, just because of the way that they're built, and for their own safety, to be aware so that they can react to the world around them, just for survival.
Okay. So that's why they're either going to fight or flight, right, if they need to. But they're just very aware of everything all the time. More so than people, according to me, most of the time.
But a lot of times, we think people are not really aware of what's going on inside of this, but they are. They're more aware than we think they are. And horses are even a step up more than that.
You go to the barn with the horses, and you, I'm just going to say that in this moment or overall, or maybe it's my whole life, I got, you know, I'm just not thinking very well of myself. Horses know that, okay? And it means something.
It changes how we interact with horses. It changes how we interact with people.
These, I'm going to say it again, words mean things.
Here's the next point. What you think about you, it's your responsibility. It is nobody else's responsibility. Okay. I don't care what they're saying. I don't care what you're hearing.
If you're hearing what is not good for you, you got to change where you're at and the people you're talking to. Because regardless of what's happening out there, regardless of other people's words or actions or any of that, it is your responsibility what you think about you.
Now, they're influencing it. That's why bring good influences in. And by the way, that is not just the people that you're around. It's the media. It's the groups you're in. It's the media that you listen to and participate in and get entertained by. It's the movies you watch.
And if anybody still reads, it's by the books and magazines. I mean, probably nobody, you even know what I'm even talking about, but people, some people used to like read stuff that was on paper. I know they murdered trees to have just so they could put ink on them and read it, and it was a terrible travesty in the world that it used to happen. Just take my word for it.
Anyway, it's your responsibility what we think about ourselves. And for that matter, how we feel, you know, is also, that's our emotional responsibility. It's up to us. Nobody else is gonna take care of it for us.
Our supercomputer, or our brain in between our ears, some estimates say we have 60,000 thoughts going through there every 24 hours approximately, maybe if that's right. And most of them are just happening so fast that our brain, this computer, is just like processing and reacting, and everything's happening and happening.
The idea here is to become aware, to use our thinking. They call that the prefrontal cortex, the front part of the brain, the thinking part, the reasoning part, the planning part, the really progressive, not sure if I like that word. I'm not sure if I like that word for this context… The thinking part, the planning part of our brain.
It's to use that part of the brain to recognize thoughts that we can see are not helping us, that we can see are not thoughts that we, and I'm going to tell you how to differentiate between ones that you want and ones that you don't, in case you have any question on it.
I'm going to make it really clear in a few minutes and a couple of seconds here. Because that's our job, is to recognize those, push them aside, okay, recognize that we have them, have that be okay, and then insert a new one.
I've heard, I like this analogy of like you're trying on a new outfit. Okay. Brooke Castillo used to say that over at Life Coach School. To try on a new thought like it's a new outfit. Just put it on and see how, see what it feels like.
Okay. Our thoughts, just because we have a thought, that does not mean that's who we are. Okay. So I think it's important to recognize that, that, you know, my gosh, I had this thought. And I mean, there's all, there's 60,000 of them. Are they all supposed to be, you know, fit some sort of standard?
I mean, there's some different stuff that goes through there. Okay. It's just input. And I guess what I'm saying is, is your thoughts don't define you.
Okay. A lot of that is a physiological process. What defines you is what you do. Okay. But you are not your thoughts.
You are separate from your thoughts. When you separate yourself from your thoughts and kind of view them and observe and become aware, Stephen Covey used to say, “The fact that you can think about your thoughts proves that you are not your thoughts.” And I love that quote. I love that idea.
It makes it very clear to me. The fact that you can think about your thoughts proves that you're not your thoughts. Okay.
So if we're thinking a lot of negative things about us, and if we're thinking that our value is low, or if we're basing what we're doing or what somebody else has done to us or what people have said or because we do, okay, because we don't know any better until we learn.
We're learning here, hopefully, to choose not to allow the things that we do, our behavior, or the things that are done to us or said about us, or what anybody else does, to have any, what's what I'm looking for, to have any bearing on our value, okay?
Because it doesn't, okay? We let it change what we think about our own value, but it doesn't mean that our value is any less, okay?
Brooke Castillo, again, at the Life Coach School, one of my favorite mentors that I've really studied for several years now, said that most of our thoughts that go through our mind are unsupervised, haphazard, unconscious, and pre-programmed, so that our lives become an unconscious response to unexamined thoughts.
That was a big old mouthful of words, but basically what she's saying is most of the thoughts, she uses this analogy too I'm gonna go with her again on this, most of our thoughts are just running wild, and we're living our lives based on these thoughts that we haven't even decided if we want to have.
And it's a choice, we're just living our lives on unexamined things that we're holding to be true as if they're facts, and they're just random thoughts in our mind that we can, you know, take off like we're trying on, and put a new outfit on and try on a new thought.
Sometimes it's not that simple when it's that ingrained. It takes a little bit of doing, but it's not a lot.
We get to choose whatever we want to think and whatever we want to believe to be true about ourselves.
The goal is not to know all 60,000 thoughts every day and make them exactly how we want. The goal is to become more intentional, recognize the ones that were causing pain and suffering, causing us things that we don't want to have happen in our lives.
And then intentionally think and believe what we want to about whatever the thing is.
The thing today, the big thing that I'm talking about, is what we believe to be true about our value.
There are things that we say, there's thoughts that we have, we're not really aware of it or we don't think it matters.
I want to go through a bunch of them, just kind of do a little bit deeper of a dive on certain things that we say. And, you know, I say them. Like I said, I'm saying less of them, but I'm more aware of me, so then I become more aware of other people, and I hear it because I'm becoming more aware.
And so I just want to go through a list of these and see if you can see what you can relate to, see how many of these you also have said or hear, and see what they mean.
Things like, for example, before I begin the list, just let me say this. Most of this list is just acceptable. It's just things that we just normally hear all the time. Goes in one ear, out the other, and we don't have any conscious thought of it.
But when I say in one ear and out the other, our brain is processing that and making meaning out of it before whether we're, you know, going through a long conscious thought process or not.
Once we hear it or say it or think it, it's being said and it's having an impact.
So basically, the negative language is just quietly deteriorating our value and therefore deteriorating our results in our life. That's why this is important.
Okay. One is should. Okay. So for example, I should be better at this. Okay.
That's a thought that I have had, and you may have had. I should be better at this.
Really? Should you be better at this right now at the stage you're in? I mean, I don't know. Really?
You know what your brain hears when you say or think I should be better at this—your brain's like, okay, my value is conditional on how good I am at this. And currently, I'm not doing very well. Therefore, my value is low.
Your brain could think that, and most likely it does.
I shouldn't feel this way.
Really? Are you sure? Why not? Why would you say or think that on purpose if you recognized it? You sure you want to do that?
Your brain hears, hey, what I'm feeling, what's happening to me right now, is wrong. It's unacceptable. So something's wrong with me. Value belief diminishing.
I'm not enough yet. Your brain hears that you're inadequate, incomplete, maybe someday but not right now.
Okay. I always mess this up.
You do? Always? I mean, every time, a hundred percent?
And if so, is that really the way that you want to look at it? Because what your brain hears is, you know, you're flawed. You are flawed as a human being, as a soul, as an individual, not something you did as flawed.
Okay. That's a big distinction there.
Some people say, I know what they're thinking, or they're probably judging me.
Your brain could be thinking that you're dependent on other people's approval. Your brain could be thinking, okay, you're fragile and you're dependent on what other people are thinking.
What about, I don't deserve this.
I mean, I've said that before. Not recently. I have, like, what did I, I'm not worthy. Where did that come from? I don't know. A long time ago is where that came from.
I don't deserve this, or I'm not worthy.
Okay. You probably don't want to feed that to your brain.
Your brain's like, you know, what I'm getting is not consistent with who I am. And then you're going to absolutely subconsciously start self-sabotaging, and trust me, you will prove yourself true that you do not deserve this, and you're not going to be getting any more of it.
What about the thought that I should already have this figured out? I can't believe it's taking me so long. I should already have this figured out. I should already know.
Okay. Really? Are you sure about that? You sure you want to think that?
If you should, but you don't, then you're telling your brain that you should, but you don't. So what does that mean? That means something's wrong with you.
Okay. It's like a personal failure is what that equals. Like you're flawed.
Okay. Or what about this one? I can't afford to make mistakes.
Can't afford to? Huh? Why not? What can you afford to do? I don't understand that.
Your brain hears, like, if you make a mistake, you're defective. That's what your brain hears when you think that.
Okay. You might want to think about that one if you're saying it.
I need to be careful what I say. That's important too.
Okay. Just let's think about this. It is important what you say and think, but if you're constantly going around, you know, paranoid about what you're saying and thinking, then when you do say something, it's going to be like, “Oh my gosh, you know, my authentic self is unacceptable.”
Look, remember this. For whatever reason, I don't know the reason. I call it the natural man. I have my personal beliefs about it.
But I believe that our defaults as human beings, a lot of the time, most of the time, we're going to default to not quite good enough. Just a little bit short. Just a little bit less than.
Okay, and I think it's part of the human condition, and I believe that that's our charge, our challenge in this world, is to recognize it and to be intentional about it and take control in a way, and decide for ourselves what our intentional thoughts are gonna be, rather than live at the effect of what our brain is just feeding us.
Our brains are our thoughts, separate from who we are.
What if you say, you know, I'm bad at this or I'm bad at that. I'm bad. I'm, I'm bad at boundaries. Okay. You're bad at boundaries. Okay. What do you think your brain hears? That you're deficient, that you can't learn skills? I mean, that's kind of how this goes.
Okay. What about this one: I'm just not that kind of person. Huh? What kind of person are you? Because what your brain hears is like, you can't change, your personality is fixed and limited, and that's all you can do is what's inside of it.
Okay. You should try harder. Really? Your current, your current, currently how much you're trying is, is your brain doesn't hear, you should put more effort in. Your brain hears you're inadequate as a person. Your current effort is inadequate as a human being. It takes it more as a value judgment when you say, should try harder. You should try harder, but you didn't. Therefore, something's wrong with you.
Okay. You don't want to be constantly telling your brain something's wrong with you. And a lot of us have for a long time, and you can change that.
Listen, here's the deal. I spent 22 years drunk. Okay. And my self-language, my self-talk, my thoughts and my words were not anything that I want to think today. Okay?
I went around in shame and disgust and self-loathing and not liking myself for so long that I can tell you it's not a good way to go, and I can also tell you that you can change what you believe about you. I'm telling you. Okay. And it's not just me, because I've seen other people do it multiple times, lots of times.
What about people, you ever say, well, I just don't want to disappoint anybody. Really? So your brain might hear that somebody else is more important, their comfort matters more than your needs.
Sometimes I hear people say, well, I'm just too much. Huh? You're just a burden. Is that really true? Is that what you want to be saying?
I should be more grateful. You know what? Man, I should just be more grateful and just stop complaining. I just need to, I should be more grateful. You know, your brain just hears that your pain doesn't matter. It disqualifies you. You're not important enough for somebody to care.
I don't know if you've ever said this: I don't belong here. Okay, I've said that. But what your brain hears is, I'm an outsider by nature. I'm an outsider.
Okay. Yeah, I can't let them see this. Once I fix this, I'll be okay.
You know, I should have, that's a big one. Should. People say, stop shoulding all over yourself, you know, whatever. Should is something to consider. It's so common and so easy to say for some of us, including me, that I still work on that one. I'm stuck.
I'll never. I can't. I haven't done that before. And you haven't done that before. And I mean, what's that got to do with anything?
So, and then, you know, the really blatant, easy ones. I'm such an idiot. I'm a klutz. I'm retarded. You know, I hear stuff like this all the time, all the time. I wasn't meant to. That's not me. I'm not that kind of a person, you know.
So on and so on and so on.
What to think? I mean, hey, Shane, you just gave me a billion things and said, “Hey, don't think that.” Well, then what? What should you think, right? That's a good thing to think about.
What do you want to think about you? What do you want to think about you? What do you want those thoughts to be?
I am 100%. I am 100%.
You know, I talk on media and a little bit, I talk to people. When I talk to people, some of them are just like, I just can't believe you said that, Shane. Something the hell's wrong with you. I talk in a positive way about myself, and people are turned off. Why do you think that is?
I mean, it's not bothering me, so I don't know. What do you think about that? I think people just have a hard time hearing it.
Well, let's just say, what do you think and say about you? And is it okay to go ahead and think and say it? Because according to me, it's just fine to go ahead and do it.
Okay. Because here's the thing I'm not saying, and I'm not recommending that you say that you're better than anyone, for hell's sakes. Nobody said that.
But we go clear to the opposite end of the spectrum and think we're not as good as, unless we do it on purpose.
Okay. Just think you're a hundred percent. I didn't say I was 101 or 110 or better than any other soul, ever. I think it's just fine, I'm a hundred percent.
I'm totally lovable. Hey, I love you, man. Love you, Shane. I deserve it. I deserve it. I'm worth it. I am a badass. Okay. I like that one a lot.
My value is non-negotiable. Non-negotiable. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what happened. Doesn't matter what. My value, non-negotiable.
These are thoughts that I think, that I recommend.
I'm good at this. I am good at this.
Got an issue with the way you look? Most of us do. Go ahead, just say it. What are you going to say, you don't? Really? Not at all? Not even that one little thing about you? I mean, do you? Think about it. Be honest. Honest.
A lot of us, most of us, you know, we have thoughts about the way that we look that we don't like. Okay. And so that's another one.
Hey, you're beautiful. You are beautiful. I love you. You looking good today. Shane, looking good. Looking good.
I'm proud of you. You know, I want to hear that from people. Why the hell can't I hear it from me? I do. I'm proud of me. You know what? I am proud of me. Good job. Good job, Shane. I am proud of you.
And I'm proud of you too for taking your time. I got you. I got you. How about that one? Proud of you for taking your time to be here with me today.
You know, when I recognize that I've done something wrong, my thought is, whether it's accidental or on purpose, okay, I don't care, because what I did doesn't determine my value.
So maybe I just went and did something, and I really don't have an excuse for it, but I wish I wouldn't of. And it's not consistent with the way that I want to be. It's not consistent with my values. And so I'm feeling bad about it.
And I want to, and so here's my thoughts about it. Okay. And because this is what I do.
And so I think it. What I think is, is, hey, I repair what I can. I restore it to as much as possible and make restitution, and I resolve to do differently. And then I let it go.
And I think that thought, the thought is that what I do, whether it's accidental or not, I repair it and resolve what I can. I resolve to do differently.
I may have to, most of the things I go to God with, and I have a conversation with him. That's between me and him.
But as far as, and by the way, just as far as that goes, I'll tell you, whether you believe in God or not, I believe that after, on most of these things, that he lets it go. So why the hell wouldn't I? I believe he does when I ask him to.
Anyway, regardless, even if you don't believe in God, why would you want to hold on to it? Hm? Why would you want to hold on to it? I mean, let it go. You're a human being. It's OK that you did the thing. Let it go.
Now, I said I was going to come back to this earlier. I said in a minute or two, in a couple of seconds, and it was more than a couple of seconds, but here I go.
This is how to determine if this is something you want to say or think about yourself.
Okay. If you're like, huh, is that a good one? Or is that okay? Do I want to think that or not?
Okay. Because you're the only one you're responsible. It's going to be up to you.
So here's my recommendation. Okay.
Only think on purpose. Only think and say words about yourself that you would want to say or think about someone you deeply love.
Okay. If you have kids, just think about your kids and say, “Hey, would I say this to my kid? Would I want to hear it? Do I want to think this about my kid? Would I want to think this about, or if you're married and you love your spouse, would I want to say or think this about them? Would I want to say this?”
Whoever it is. Okay.
That is the measure, because if you don't want to say and think, and if it doesn't sound good when you insert them instead of you, then you need not be thinking and saying it about you, for hell's sakes. That's the way.
Now, it's not enough. I just want to really make the point. It's not enough to say and start recognizing and not saying and using this language. You must try on the new outfit is the other part of this.
You must build a vocabulary, build language, okay, that rather than do nothing except try not to say things that are damaging, you must add things that are beneficial to your language.
And it is, let me just tell you this, when I began this, when I started this, it was like, it was very uncomfortable. It was very uncomfortable.
Okay. I didn't have any language that said that I'm okay. I couldn't even say I'm okay, for hell's sakes. Okay?
So, I didn't have language. So, if you don't have a lot of language, no problem. Just let that be okay and expect that it's gonna be a little bit uncomfortable or a lot uncomfortable. Let it feel uncomfortable until it doesn't. And continue to build language about yourself and your value.
Look, man, it's only going to be you and you. You're going to be spending the most time with you for as long as you're alive. Nobody else, just you.
So why in the hell would you not even want to start having better thoughts and language about yourself? I'm telling you, you would. It doesn't take that much time. It doesn't take that much effort. And the rewards are unbelievable. Okay? Truly, they are.
And this is the, this is the first skill in my book, and I'm gonna highly recommend that you get a copy of my book or check it out on Audible. Neither one are out as of the time of this recording right now, but they might be by the time, you know, the One Horse Race by your host here, Shane Jacob.
Now, in the beginning, I've said this also in the other podcasts I mentioned, but in the beginning, at least for a couple of months, I like to make a list.
When I recognize, I write it down. I type it into my phone. And then at the end of the day, when I recognize something that is negative, I type down and make a little note of it. Okay.
And then at the end of it, and I do that with pluses and minuses, pluses being things that my new language that, that affirms my value the way I want it, and negatives being things that diminish me. Okay.
Then at the end of the day, I take a quick glance at it, and I make sure that I have more on the plus side.
And if I don't, I add one to it. Okay. And then I go on to the next day. I one up it every time.
So the one up list that helps develop the awareness and develop the habit of being aware of what's going on up here.
The other thing is, is to involve an accountability partner. Big time helpful, man. If somebody else that you know very closely, that you can trust, will get on board with you, can listen to each other's words and help each other.
Okay, and then kind of make it fun. Make it a game. I do that with my wife. We both do it. If we hear something and we're like, I got you, you know, and we just kind of make it a fun game.
Now, it's not all fun and games if you're not working to, to, to improve on this, because this is a serious matter. Because this is going to, this is going to have a huge influence and impact on you being able to do and accomplish the things that you want to in your remaining time here on earth.
So it's kind of a serious thing. I'm just saying we make it, we don't take it personal or, you like you suck because you've said something. It's not about that. It's like, uh, you sure you want to think that? You're like, oh man, thanks for letting me know.
Because most of the time, if it's me or her, it's like we didn't even really realize it was happening, and it took somebody. That's why an accountability partner to help makes this a, is big time helpful to speed up the process of you getting in good habits around this.
Okay. And then like I said earlier, last thing, it's your input. Surround yourself.
You got bad news coming in this ear from outside sources, you need to change the outside sources. Okay. Life's too short for that. Okay.
Find, find good input coming in. People that support you. People that affirm your value.
They don't have to affirm, okay, I'm not saying that find somebody that agrees with everything that you're doing or with all your behavior. That's not what I'm saying. I don't know what you're doing with your behavior. But what I'm telling you is, and people don't need to agree with that.
What I'm saying is find people that affirm your value regardless of that, of regardless of maybe they like your behavior and they affirm your value, all the better.
But what I'm saying is, is surround yourself with people that love you unconditionally, that regardless of what you do, it's not conditioned on behavior. That's what I'm talking about.
Because that's the way that you want to think about you. And the more that you internalize that idea about yourself, the easier it will be to give that love to the people that you love and make your contribution to the world and just make the world a whole lot better place to be.
All right, my friends, thank you for taking your time to be here with me today. Your value is non-negotiable. You are 100% as you are.
