From Chaos to Clarity: Why Unified Parenting Rules Matter

Why Horses - and Kids - Need Clear Boundaries

The Pecking Order in Horses

‍Welcome to this week's You Are Destined for Greatness. I appreciate you taking your time to be here with me this week.

In the wild and in domestic settings, horses establish leaders for themselves or a pecking order—who’s in charge. One of the things that’s up for grabs, that horses fight over when they’re establishing a leader, is food.

Domesticated horses, when humans enter the picture, sometimes inadvertently make humans part of the pecking order. So, in barns like ours here at the stable today, we manage horses and how they behave around food by establishing that we are the leaders. This ensures we have a calm and peaceful experience when we feed.

Establishing Boundaries While Feeding

So, what does that look like? That looks like: I enter the stall with the feed cart, I cue the horse by clicking to move out of the feed area because this is going to be my area for a while. I establish a boundary, asking her to stay on the other side. I fill up the feeder, step out of the way, and once I cross back out onto my side of the feed area, she knows that’s her cue to comeback in and eat.

The way you see this, the way I’m going to demonstrate this, it’s a very smooth, respectful process with a lot of clear communication happening throughout. So, I just want to demonstrate that a little bit.

This mare is barely looking—she’s at the threshold of the area. I want her to stay back while I feed because her feeder is up a little closer. As I open the stall door, pick up the feed cart, and bring it in, she already knows. I haven’t even given her a cue, and she knows this has now become my area while I’m in here with the feed cart. I’m actually going to click to her so she’s clear on what’s happening.

Clear Communication with Horses

So, you saw and heard as I clicked. If you could see, she took a step back and is totally out of the feed area. Now, her feeder’s right here. I’m going to pick up her feed, put it in the feeder—she’s respecting my space and her area. She also knows she can come back into this area only once I’ve crossed through this threshold.

Not yet… not yet… but now, as I step through, she can come in and eat.

That little demonstration looks like a nice, simple, peaceful process—very respectful in every way for everyone involved.

Why Consistency Matters

But here’s the deal—it didn’t always used to be that way. I would go into a stall, with this horse or any others, and they were confused. They’d push the line, come into my area, or challenge me for the food. This was an ongoing issue.

We had established the rules. I had communicated them repeatedly. I had shown the consequences. So why were the horses still not complying with my request? It was very confusing and very frustrating.

Here’s the deal—several people feed here at our barn throughout the week, not just one person. What happened was that several of us, in communicating with the horses, didn’t have a clear, unified message. We didn’t communicate the same thing. We didn’t have a clearly established boundary. Everyone had a slightly different boundary. And we didn’t have the exact same consequence.

So, every time we entered to feed, the rules were a little different for the horse, which was very unfair and very confusing. Then, the next person would come in with different rules and wonder, Why aren’t you complying with my rules? Frustration increased. The cycle continued. The responses escalated, the consequences escalated, and the chaos increased.

It wasn’t always a peaceful place until we recognized that what we needed to do, as a group who feeds these horses, was to be clear with communication, clear with boundaries, and clear with consequences.

The Power of Unity in Leadership

Once we established that and had unity at the top, the horses fully understood our communication. They knew exactly where the boundaries were because they were the same every time. They knew what the consequences were because they never changed.

The result? What I just demonstrated—a peaceful process for the horse and for everyone else around. A peaceful stable.

Of course, I think you can see the parallel here. As parents, it is imperative to have unity at the top as leaders of our children. We are the leaders. If we don’t establish unity, the same system happens—confusion, chaos, frustration, and escalation. It becomes a bad cycle.

Creating a Unified Front as Parents

Now, we’re not always going to have unity, especially with family dynamics, step-parents, and blended families. Even in a picture-perfect married couple, we’re not always going to have complete agreement from all leaders involved in the family.

So, what can we do?

Here’s what we can do—more often than not, it’s simply that we’re not willing, we’re not aware, or we’re not taking the time and energy to communicate effectively with the other parents involved.

But every time—and I mean every time—that we come to an agreement as parents and present a unified front to our children, we are better off 100% of the time.

Final Thoughts

That’s the lesson for today. Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for being with me. More on this in the podcast, and remember—You Are Destined for Greatness!